Final Goodbyes
by Preston101
Summary: I'm scared he's gonna die because even though he's been a dick these past few episodes, it's still Steve/Jimmy and Fiona at the end of it, right? But this just sort of came out. It's his possible thoughts as he stands on the boat. One Shot? Please Read and Review!


Fiona, I'm scared.

I'm not scared because I'm going to die, I've resigned myself to that. I'm scared because I know I'm never going to see you again, never going to hold you, kiss you, touch you, hug you, laugh with you, argue with you, make love to you, protect you, hear your voice. Hell, I'm never going to see you again.

I want to cry, but I can't because there's five six foot tall Brazilians watching me so I stare out over the slowly shrinking city. I shouldn't be here. I should be on that stupid camping trip with you and the kids, or at home on the sofa, watching that Cop show with Carl and Debbie, playing on the farm yard game with Liam. I should be with my family.

I'm so sorry, Fi. I've been a crap boyfriend, I've been an asshole and if I ever see you again, I will throw myself to my knees and beg for your forgiveness and acceptance because I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your love. But know, I love you and need you more than you will ever know. I just fucked up because I got scared and overwhelmed. Because one day I was Steve, cool and rich Steve with his fancy cars and flash clothes. Then the next I was Jimmy who was to quote your brother 'like your maid'. And stood here now, I know who I want to be. I want to be Jimmy, I want you and your kids, my kids. Your messed up parents, your house in the ghetto, you.

Oh God, you. You'll never know, will you? You'll just think I've left, because of one argument and you'll hate me. You'll hate me because I broke my promise, I left. But I would move earth if it meant I could stay with you. Please, Fiona, don't hate me. I would never go anywhere, know that. PLEASE. I love you and I'm only realising how precious you are, how special, how incredible when it's too late.

Do you remember back in February when you had the flu and you were trying to sleep it off over the weekend? Liam had the sniffles and he cried whenever I put him down, so I sat with him watching Barney all night and I fell in love with him. He was led on top of me, fast asleep, doing his little nose twitch and all of a sudden he started to do this little shiver and he started to fidget and I was terrified he was having a seizure so I sat up and I woke him up and he was OK. But I made him cry, my God why did you never tell me how sad that kid's cry was? Well when I told you it wasn't me who ate your last Flake, I wasn't lying. I just never told you I gave it to Liam. You can't help but love that kid and I think when it comes to it, he loves me too.

Debs and Carl, after that bitch tried to top herself and they slept with us, crying and having nightmares all night I wanted to kill her. Because she hurt them, she hurt all of you and no one hurts you lot, not while I'm around. And when I had Carl with his head on my shoulder, you with your head on my chest and Debbie in between us I just wanted to protect them, wanted to protect all of you. I needed you because they were mine by then, or just as good as. Even though you hadn't wanted anything to do with me I still loved all of you. So much.

Ian. When I found out my Dad had been fucking him. It haunted me. He's sixteen, he's a goddamn kid. It made me actually hate him, Fi, physically hate him for touching him, for pretty much molesting him. Taking advantage of your brother, of my brother. The night after I found out, I contemplated taking the bat that's on the wall and beat him round the head with it. But if truth be told it was you that stopped me. You were doing that thing when you dream where you grab hold of the first thing you can and well... let's say it wasn't an awful position to be in and I'm sorry I came over your hand and I'm sorry I couldn't repay the favour the following morning as the thought of killing him still ran through my head because I'd heard Ian and Lip arguing for the shower and all those feelings all came rushing back. No one fucking molests Ian, not even my dad.

Lip. You make sure that little asshole goes to college and make sure he's stays there because if you don't I'll come and haunt your ass. He's going somewhere and he knows it, he just doesn't want to admit it and I know, when I'm not around anymore, you'll be able to depend on him, because he's a good guy, he's a good brother and he's a bloody good friend to me as much of a gob shite he is.

Fuck me they're holding guns. I guess this is it my angel. Then end of James Anthony Lishman. I love you so much, Fiona and I wish I could say that to you. I wish you knew, there's so much I want to tell you. So much you need to know but you never will. Know though, if by some miracle you can hear me, if my love for you can carry across this godforsaken city I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here, I kept my promise. I'm not gonna leave you. Ever.

Goodbye.


End file.
